Monday, April 16, 2012

Gary Bettman Reveals the Potential Coyotes Mysterious International Ownership Group

Meanwhile, at NHL Headquarters...

(Charlie Brown teacher voice comes through the phone)

Gary Bettman (on phone): Yes, yes.  I know, Mrs. Scraggs.  And I keep telling you, it just doesn't work like that.  Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Hey, look, I have another call coming in.  How about this, when you can talk to me like an adult, call me back.

(Bettman clicks over to other line)

Bettman: Gary Bettman here, how may I help you?

Mysterious businessman: Hallo!  I am a, err, businessman from Germania, and I am mucho interestante in owning your Phoenix franchise.  Muy muy interestante!

Bettman: Um, okay.  I didn't know we had any international ownership groups interested in purchasing the Coyotes.

Mysterious businessman: Oh oui.  I have always wanted to own an NHL team, ever since I was a little mensch wearing my lederhosen on the frozen pond.

Bettman: Okay, do you have a name, by chance?

Mysterious businessman: All you need to know is that I represent a very importante investment group.

Bettman: And what is the name of your investment group?

Mysterious businessman: Um...its, uh...G....E...A. something.

Bettman: Oookay... well, let's get down to business.  No BS.  What are you willing to offer us to purchase the organization?

Mysterious businessman: Anything you want.  We will do whatever it takes to make the Coyotes the most a la carte team in the league.  A la mode, if you will.

Bettman: You know what, I don't think we will be using your services.  Thanks for the offer, though.

Mysterious businessman: NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!  Achtung, Senor Bettman!  You need someone to own the sporting club, n'est-ce pas?

Bettman: Well, yes...

Mysterious businessman: Yes!  Si!  Da!  You need me!  You will amor me as an NHL owner!

Bettman: (heavy sigh) Mr. Leiweke, I know it's you, so please quit wasting my time.  I have more important things to do.  Plus, I'm meeting Shea Weber for dinner in twenty minutes.

Mysterious businessman: Mr. Leiweke.  Sacrebleu!  I know of no Monsieur Leiweke!

Bettman: Mr. Leiweke, I know it's you, and you already know you cannot own two NHL franchises.  As the owner of the Kings, you are disqualified from the Coyotes...err...sweepstakes.

Tim Leiweke:  Oh, well, haha.  Sorry, Gar-bear.  Just pullin' your leg.  But, for reals, let me own another franchise.

Bettman: No.

Leiweke: Ah man, that's not fair!

Bettman:  I know.

(Bettman hangs up phone)

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