(Kansas City School Board office door bursts open)
Mayor Sly James: Alright, enough wankin’ off! I’m in charge here!
KC School Board Members: Umm... what?
Mayor James: You ethics hating curmudgeons have brought enough bad press to this district with your negativity and unwillingness to cooperate. You’re just as bad as a gun-toting urban teenager dropped off at the Cinemark Palace by his absentee parents to see the new Muppet movie on a Friday night. You people disgust me, so I’m taking over.
KC School Board Members: Umm... no.
Mayor James: What, you don’t think I can make better decisions than this MENSA meeting? I cleared the riff-raff out of the Plaza. What have you done lately other than drive a superintendent out of town and cause the district to lose accreditation?
KC School Board Members: None of what you just said is necessarily true...
Mayor James: Are you calling me a liar? No one calls the Sly One a liar!
KC School Board Members: Mayor James, we would be more than happy to work with you if the opportunity presents itself.
Mayor James: Oh, so you’re going to play that game, eh? Well, it looks like you have left me no choice. If you won’t listen to me, then it’s time to bring in the big guns, the folks who really know how to run things. Boys get in here!
(window on the opposite side of the room slowly opens and two men slunk into the room)
Mayor James: Quiver at the sight of management genius Tim Leiweke, and his, uh, his loyal, umm, co-worker? Umm, oh, how about, “Hockey Hall of Famer” Luc Robitaille!
Tim Leiweke: WHAT UP BRAHS, AND LADY BRAHS!?! Speaking of lady bras, I have a trophy case full of those in my Learjet if anyone wants to check ‘em out. All shapes and sizes. I don’t discriminate!
KC School Board Members: What are they doing here?
Tim Leiweke: I’m here to fix your crappy school system and teach you people how to make money. No one knows how to make money off of strange and questionable business practices than me. I own the Los Angeles Galaxy! I make Mark Cuban look like the old lady from Titanic!
Luc Robitaille: From what I understand, that is what Mr. Leiweke intends to do. Or so I’ve been told. I can't comment on his Mark Cuban comment, though.
Mayor James: You listen to these gentlemen. They know what they are doing. Mr. Leiweke, please gives us your idea.
Tim Leiweke: Okay, here we go. AEG buys all the schools in the district, then we build one massive, all-purpose school downtown. Then, to make some money, host about sixty events per year. It’s a great idea, AMIRITE. I mean, love it, or loooove it?
KC School Board Members: What would we do with the rest of the schools?
Tim Leiweke: I don’t know. Leave them to decay. What the hell does it matter? We’re making money aren’t we?
KC School Board Members: Isn’t that kind of unethical, not to mention pointless? I mean, we already have the school buildings; we just need to find a way to get on stable footing and provide the local children and their parents with reliable schools and a good education.
Tim Leiweke: Provide for the local what?
Mayor James: Mr. Leiweke, I’m not sure that particular model will work for what we are trying to do.
Tim Leiweke: Okay, okay. I understand. You want a viable anchor tenant too. I hate to tell you that things don’t work like that, but you’re too lame to understand that anyway. But, because you farmers seem like nice people, here’s another idea. We turn the schools into prisons...
Mayor James: Oh dear...
Tim Leiweke: ...so, while you already have about 180 events...
KC School Board Members: You mean school days?
Tim Leiweke: Sure, “school days.” Personally, my marketing team would call them an All-Day Education Event presented by Live Nation and Perceptive Software. It’s just makes better business sense. But, whatever. Who am I, except the mastermind behind bringing the NFL back to LA. KNEEL BEFORE MY ABILITY TO PERSUADE IMBCILIC CITY ADMINISTRATORS!
Mayor James: (Hesitantly) *cough* Could you please continue, sir...
Tim Leiweke: So, we host prisoner events in some schools: recreation time, exercise, arts and crafts, etc. Then we close down several other schools and convert them to prisons to house the prisoners during their “non-event times.” That should round out the remaining 185-ish days or so that nothing happens at the schools that remain open. Plus, this will help with your prison overcrowding issue.
Mayor James: We don’t have overcrowded prisons. But we do already have dangerously overcrowded schools.
Tim Leiweke: What kind of city is this? Where I come from, prison riots happen on the reg due to overcrowding. Everything about this place is whack.
KC School Board Members: Excuse me, Mr. Leiweke, but all of our district schools are surrounded by neighborhoods. Won’t putting prisoners in the schools cause outrage among neighbors and the property values of the surrounding areas to plummet?
Tim Leiweke: Surrounding areas? Who cares! We are talking about the profitability of the schools, not the homes or businesses around it. Geez, you people have a lot to learn about property management.
KC School Board Members: Anything to add, Mr. Robitaille?
Luc Robitaille: Kansas City’s a great place. Who wouldn’t want to go to school here. But you have to have someone who is willing to fill the buildings. Not saying that we will do that, but some local folks have to step up and do what’s right.
Mayor James: What does that even mean?
Tim Leiweke: Man, that old raisin lady mayor was ten times cooler than you, Sly Fox. You know what, I can really feel the bad vibes in here, and they’re killin’ my buzz. I’m going to bounce and let ol’ Lucky do damage control. Peace.
(Leiweke jumps out the window, gets on Learjet, and flies away to undisclosed location where the media can’t find him).
Mayor James: Well that was unexpected. Mr . Robitaille, can you give us any more insights or ideas?
Luc Robitaille: AEG does not necessarily have all the answers. Facility ownership is a tricky industry. You cannot make everyone happy. But I can assure you Tim Leiweke cares about Kansas City.
Mayor James: Okay...
Luc Robitaille: Although, his plans must be kept secret. Even I do not know what they are, nor can I give any useful comments pertaining to anything.
Mayor James: Pardon me for asking, but, what do you do again?
Luc Robitaille: I don’t have enough information to answer that question for you at this time.
Mayor James: Uh-huh. Man, I give up. This did not go as I had planned. Luc, they’re all yours.
(Mayor James leaves and gets into a limo chauffeured by Mark Funkhouser).
KC School Board Members: Mr. Robitaille, after reviewing what you and Mr. Leiweke have told us, we do like your ideas, but we have about one-hundred small changes that we would like to see made to them. Nothing major, just think of it as death by a thousand little cuts.
Luc Robitaille: I don’t want to give you the impression that we will make changes. That is something that you must do yourselves if you really want to get something done.
KC School Board Members: You know what, I think it would be best to have the State run the district...
s/t to Big Daddy Drew for inspiration