(Kansas City School Board office door bursts open)
Mayor Sly James:
Alright, enough wankin’ off!
I’m in charge here!
KC School Board Members: Umm... what?
Mayor James:
You ethics hating curmudgeons have brought enough bad press to this
district with your negativity and unwillingness to cooperate. You’re just as bad as a gun-toting
urban teenager dropped off at the Cinemark Palace by his absentee parents to
see the new Muppet movie on a Friday night. You people disgust me, so I’m taking over.
KC School Board Members: Umm... no.
Mayor James:
What, you don’t think I can make better decisions than this MENSA
meeting? I cleared the riff-raff
out of the Plaza. What have you
done lately other than drive a superintendent out of town and cause the
district to lose accreditation?
KC School Board Members: None of what you just said is necessarily true...
Mayor James:
Are you calling me a liar?
No one calls the Sly One a liar!
KC School Board Members: Mayor James, we would be more than happy to work with you if
the opportunity presents itself.
Mayor James:
Oh, so you’re going to play that game, eh? Well, it looks like you have left me no choice. If you won’t listen to me, then it’s
time to bring in the big guns, the folks who really know how to run
things. Boys get in here!
(window on the opposite side of the room slowly opens and
two men slunk into the room)
Mayor James:
Quiver at the sight of management genius Tim Leiweke, and his, uh, his
loyal, umm, co-worker? Umm, oh,
how about, “Hockey Hall of Famer” Luc Robitaille!
Tim Leiweke:
WHAT UP BRAHS, AND LADY BRAHS!?!
Speaking of lady bras, I have a trophy case full of those in my Learjet
if anyone wants to check ‘em out.
All shapes and sizes. I don’t
discriminate!
KC School Board Members: What are they doing here?
Tim Leiweke:
I’m here to fix your crappy school system and teach you people how to
make money. No one knows how to
make money off of strange and questionable business practices than me. I own the Los Angeles Galaxy! I make Mark Cuban look like the old
lady from Titanic!
Luc Robitaille:
From what I understand, that is what Mr. Leiweke intends to do. Or so I’ve been told. I can't comment on his Mark Cuban comment, though.
Mayor James:
You listen to these gentlemen.
They know what they are doing.
Mr. Leiweke, please gives us your idea.
Tim Leiweke:
Okay, here we go. AEG buys
all the schools in the district, then we build one massive, all-purpose school
downtown. Then, to make some
money, host about sixty events per year.
It’s a great idea, AMIRITE.
I mean, love it, or loooove it?
KC School Board Members: What would we do with the rest of the schools?
Tim Leiweke: I
don’t know. Leave them to
decay. What the hell does it
matter? We’re making money aren’t
we?
KC School Board Members: Isn’t that kind of unethical, not to mention pointless? I mean, we already have the school
buildings; we just need to find a way to get on stable footing and provide the
local children and their parents with reliable schools and a good education.
Tim Leiweke:
Provide for the local what?
Mayor James:
Mr. Leiweke, I’m not sure that particular model will work for what we
are trying to do.
Tim Leiweke:
Okay, okay. I
understand. You want a viable
anchor tenant too. I hate to tell
you that things don’t work like that, but you’re too lame to understand that
anyway. But, because you farmers
seem like nice people, here’s another idea. We turn the schools into prisons...
Mayor James: Oh dear...
Tim Leiweke:
...so, while you already have about 180 events...
KC School Board Members: You mean school days?
Tim Leiweke:
Sure, “school days.”
Personally, my marketing team would call them an All-Day Education Event
presented by Live Nation and Perceptive Software. It’s just makes better business sense. But, whatever. Who am I, except the mastermind behind
bringing the NFL back to LA. KNEEL
BEFORE MY ABILITY TO PERSUADE IMBCILIC CITY ADMINISTRATORS!
Mayor James:
(Hesitantly) *cough* Could you please continue, sir...
Tim Leiweke:
So, we host prisoner events in some schools: recreation time, exercise,
arts and crafts, etc. Then we
close down several other schools and convert them to prisons to house the
prisoners during their “non-event times.”
That should round out the remaining 185-ish days or so that nothing
happens at the schools that remain open.
Plus, this will help with your prison overcrowding issue.
Mayor James: We
don’t have overcrowded prisons.
But we do already have dangerously overcrowded schools.
Tim Leiweke:
What kind of city is this?
Where I come from, prison riots happen on the reg due to
overcrowding. Everything about
this place is whack.
KC School Board Members: Excuse me, Mr. Leiweke, but all of our district schools are
surrounded by neighborhoods. Won’t
putting prisoners in the schools cause outrage among neighbors and the property
values of the surrounding areas to plummet?
Tim Leiweke:
Surrounding areas? Who
cares! We are talking about the
profitability of the schools, not the homes or businesses around it. Geez, you people have a lot to learn
about property management.
KC School Board Members: Anything to add, Mr. Robitaille?
Luc Robitaille:
Kansas City’s a great place.
Who wouldn’t want to go to school here. But you have to have someone who is willing to fill the
buildings. Not saying that we will
do that, but some local folks have to step up and do what’s right.
Mayor James:
What does that even mean?
Tim Leiweke:
Man, that old raisin lady mayor was ten times cooler than you, Sly
Fox. You know what, I can really
feel the bad vibes in here, and they’re killin’ my buzz. I’m going to bounce and let ol’ Lucky
do damage control. Peace.
(Leiweke jumps out the window, gets on Learjet, and flies
away to undisclosed location where the media can’t find him).
Mayor James:
Well that was unexpected.
Mr . Robitaille, can you give us any more insights or ideas?
Luc Robitaille:
AEG does not necessarily have all the answers. Facility ownership is a tricky
industry. You cannot make everyone
happy. But I can assure you Tim
Leiweke cares about Kansas City.
Mayor James:
Okay...
Luc Robitaille:
Although, his plans must be kept secret. Even I do not know what they are, nor can I give any useful
comments pertaining to anything.
Mayor James: Pardon me for asking, but, what do you do
again?
Luc Robitaille:
I don’t have enough information to answer that question for you at this
time.
Mayor James:
Uh-huh. Man, I give
up. This did not go as I had
planned. Luc, they’re all yours.
(Mayor James leaves and gets into a limo chauffeured by Mark
Funkhouser).
KC School Board Members: Mr. Robitaille, after reviewing what you and Mr. Leiweke
have told us, we do like your ideas, but we have about one-hundred small
changes that we would like to see made to them. Nothing major, just think of it as death by a thousand
little cuts.
Luc Robitaille:
I don’t want to give you the impression that we will make changes. That is something that you must do
yourselves if you really want to get something done.
KC School Board Members: You know what, I think it would be best to have the State
run the district...
s/t to Big Daddy Drew for inspiration
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