Sunday, January 27, 2013

Roster Cut: Inside Deano's Office During the Kevin Westgarth Trade


What follows is a new feature called "Roster Cut" which will feature some of my Los Angeles Kings-centric articles that did not make the cut on Jewels From the Crown because they really had nothing to do with anything.  Basically, they were just fun to create, and I'd like to post them, and there is a lack of KC hockey news.  So yeah.  But, be aware of some fun stuff coming to LCOB in the near future.  It's a surprise, so just be patient and deal with it.
This first post places us inside Kings GM Dean Lombardi's office (he of columbs and truth seeking) as he tells seldom used enforcer Kevin Westgarth he will no longer be with the team.

Kevin Westgarth, for obvious blood and violence reasons, was one of my favorite Kings ever since I saw him in an exhibition game a few years ago. That said, it is bittersweet to see him go. We, as Kings fans, know there is no reason to have him on this team anymore. But, as like many of you, I sat in stunned silence watching the Los Angeles Kings players flood the Staples Center ice after having won the franchise's first Stanley Cup trophy...until Westgarth came into frame.
Then I started busting out laughing – a deranged, confused laugh – because seriously, Kevin Westgarth – who is awesome, mind you – was a (small) part of a team that just won a championship in the highest level of hockey competition in the world. No longer could I respirate and be absolutely certain that I was still alive, because science had no basis in this new reality. And that's who Westgarth is in a nutshell: a guy that eliminates any belief in cognitive liberty. He's his own hyperreality, and many of us  Kings fans will miss him in a Kings uniform.
That said, here's how Dean Lombardi probably broke the news to him on Sunday  a couple Sundays ago. (IMPORTANT NOTE: If Westgarth ever stumbles upon this article, I'm so sorry please don't kill me I'm drunk)
* * *
(Kevin Westgarth enters Dean Lombardi's office)
Deano: Glad you could make it Kevin. Have a seat.
Westy: Howdy, Mr. Lombardi! Did you see me in those interviews?! Me and Donny really stuck it too ol' Gary...
Deano: Yeah, that's great...hey, you've been traded to Carolina.
Westy: ...he didn't know what hit h---....wait WHAT?!
Deano: Yeah dude. You have to go.
Westy: But what about everything I did for the players' association? To end the lockout? I'm a hero. I'm a true patriot, or the Canadian equivalent. You can't trade me.
Deano: Hey that's super, but Phil Anschutz still signs my checks. Sooo, yeah... Plus, can you believe this haul? Some guy that's just as big as you with, like, twenty times as many goals. And some draft picks. All in exchange for you! I mean, even Columbus wanted a draft pick for Jeff Carter, stupid babies.
(Deano kicks feet up on desk, folds hands behind his head)
Westy: But, but, I was there everyday in practice. I made this team better! I'm on the Cup. There are guys on the team now that can't even say that!
Deano: But dude, two draft picks. For you. And a former first round pick. For you. Can you believe that?
Westy: I can't believe you would just trade me like that. After all I did for you. I went to Princeton, dammit! I'm married to Bill Cowher's daughter! Look at my sideburns!!!
Deano: Well, I thought you would be happy for me. I'm a freakin' genius, after all.
(Deano swirls a forty year old Cabernet Sauvignon around inside a crystal decanter, then pours it into a tin flask and places it in his suit pocket)
(Westy's nose begins to bleed, a lot)
Deano: Alas, though, I must say good day to you, sir. For I must see a man about horse.
(Deano picks up the latest copy of Guns & Ammo off of his desk, and enters his private washroom)
(Westy sits in Deano's office for five minutes, then leaves and never returns)

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