|Via Kevin Westgarth on Twitter @KWesty19|
Well, lucky for you, I called around, and asked nicely, and did some things I'm not proud of, and I have obtained a copy of that report. You can see the page-by-page breakdown after the jump. Are you ready? Prepare to set your mind to blown.
Page 1: Title page
Pages 2-4: Copyright pages
Pages 5-120: Table of contents
Pages 121-509: A very special message from Gary Bettman
Pages 510-903: Introduction by Scott Howson
Pages 904-1,102: The definition of "labor", as described by William H. Sylvis, leader of the National Labor Union of 1866-1873.
Page 1,103: Another title page
Pages 1,104-1,672: Rundown of basic league financials
Pages 1,673-2,109: Charts and graphs
Pages 2,110-2,459: Breakdown of expenses of last six years, team by team.
Pages 2,460-2,598: A chapter simply titled "The Coyotes".
Pages 2,599-3,978: Important stuff
Pages 3,979-6,003: Eh...I don't know, I just skimmed over this stuff.
Pages 6,004-6,201: Expense report on food purchased and consumed by Kyle Wellwood each year of his career (because, you see, he is fat. Harf harf harf).
Pages 6,202-6,204: Some hidden insults about Donald Fehr's mother.
Pages 6,205-6,509: Sidney Crosby's concussion hospital costs.
Pages 6,510-6,608: Report on money – including ad revenue – lost by the league due to Crosby's injury.
Pages 6,609-7,000: Expense report on the construction of a bionic brain and its placement in Crosby's skull.
Pages 7,001-8,489: Charts and graphs of ad revenue
Page 8,490: Cost to cut down the Dustin Penner National Forest (also known as his playoff beard).
Pages 8,491-8,879: Something about Hockey Related Revenue. I don't know...it gets awful preachy.
Pages 8,880-10,012: Blank pages
Pages 10,013-13,003: Copies of senior NHL administrators dinner receipts from company meetings. Expensive dinner receipts.
Pages 13,004-13,503: Advertisement section and listing of bands coming to Toronto
Page 13,504: Full page ad congratulating the Los Angeles Kings on winning the Stanley Cup! WOO!
Pages 13,505-13,903: A plea from New York Islanders' owner Charles Wang titled, "Please Play for Less Money or I'll Move You to Kansas City."
Pages 13,904-15,549: Pages appear to be torn out by Bigfoot.
Pages 15,550-15,979: The NHL's stance on contract structuring.
Pages 15,980-17,150: The entire text of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, used as a metaphor to explain the crux of the NHL's issue with front-loaded contracts.
Pages 17,151-17,670: Conclusion of contract structure stance.
Pages 17,671-19,101: Flip book of Bill Daly's butt on a copier.
Pages 19,102-21,993: Blank pages
Pages 21,994-22,302: NHL's agreement with NBC to tape-delay NHL games starting in 2012-13 since tape-delay's use has been so positive with the public during the Olympics
Pages 22,303-22,304: Magic Eye photo that if you squint real hard you can see a penguin
Pages 22,305-22,909: Expense report on getting Will Ferrell to show up at the Hockey Hall of Fame (he's not cheap, folks)
Pages 22,910-24,600: Report of financial damage caused to other NHL cities based on the clock stopping during Kings–Blue Jackets game.
Pages 24,601-27,309: Report on financial damage caused to City of Vancouver after successful completion of multiple conspiracies over the past twenty years (Take my word, this is an excellent read!).
Pages 27,310-27,311: Two page photo of Bettman and Darth Vader high-fiving members of the Illuminati.
Pages 27,312-46,999: Classified information
Pages 47,000-49,230: Afterword
Pages 49,231-53,789: Annotated bibliography
Pages 53,790-61,324: Index
Pages 61,343-68,009: French index
Pages 68,010-74,342: Spanish index
74,343-76,000: About the authors
Back cover: Book review from Zombie Franz Kafka
"This text has the most disorienting prose I've ever seen in a novel this size. I can't believe I didn't write it!"