Are you worried about a possible NHL lockout? Upset you may not get to see your beloved Rangers or Avs play at the Sprint Center this season. Well, you have come to the right place.
To soothe your shaken nerves, I decided to do a scientific test using the Internet to determine whether or not the NHL and NHLPA will agree on a new collective bargaining agreement before the end of the summer. Why the Internet, you ask? Well, because the Internet knows everything. That is not an opinion – that is science – amazing device quite frankly. So let's see if it can help us to see into the future.
The methodology of this experiment relies on both the randomness and wealth of knowledge one will find when on the Internet. By putting my trust in some computer programmers somewhere, the intention is to see if sites using artificial intelligence algorithms to generate automatic responses to human users can come to a common consensus on one particular issue. The question presented in each case is "Will the NHL and NHLPA agree on a new collective bargaining agreement before the end of the summer." Here are the results.
The first site I visited trumpeted "Ask the Magic Eight Ball." So, I did. Basically, you input a question, and the Magic Eight Ball graphic will dispense an eight-ball-esque answer. It's first reply to my question was, "Reply hazy, ask again later." So, I waited a minute, got impatient, did something else for a while, remembered what I was doing, and asked again. This time it replied, "It's decidedly so." So according to the Magic Eight Ball, no lockout. Yay. Result: No lockout (more or less)
I then went over to an old friend, Cleverbot. With Cleverbot, human users can have conversations with the AI. After our in-depth, yet disjointed, conversation on the proper diet of a ferret, I asked about the possibility for a new CBA. It replied by saying, "Interesting." My further attempts to elicit a useable response led to Cleverbot dancing around the question like the NHL danced around "Clockgate." Result: Inconclusive
For the final test, I simplified things a bit by just flipping a coin. Not my own coin, of course, a virtual coin. The rules were easy. Heads, no lockout. Tails, lockout. Pretty simple. Much to my amazement, I could choose from various different coins. So, I flipped a Canadian $2 Toonie, because, well, Canada seems to like hockey. So, Elizabeth II, no lockout. Polar bear, lockout. The result....ELIZABETH II BITCHES!!!!!!!! AWWWWW YEEEEAAAAAAAA HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN FOR THE WIN!!!! Result: No lockout
Overall, through this experiment, the Internet ruled the possibility of no lockout at about 66%. And the Internet is smart. Like, it killed encyclopedias it's so smart.
Yet, it's reckless to say the Internet knows exactly what will happen. I mean, Cleverbot couldn't even give a straight answer. That's not very encouraging. And that Eight Ball had a bad attitude. Plus, lest we forget, the Internet harbors people like Lenny Palumbo. Oy. In hindsight, that's not a good track record. Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
I guess we will all have to be patient and wait to see what happens. Goooooo no lockout!