Sunday, May 6, 2012

Puck Reviews: The Blue Line Sports Bar

This is a fictional review based on actual person/ people you probably know.  Today’s review is of the Kansas City area’s only hockey bar, The Blue Line.  You can find The Blue Line in the River Market district downtown at 529 Walnut, Kansas City, MO.  And online at

My personal opinion: It’s quaint, it has a lot of cool hockey stuff on the walls, and it shows hockey.  All you need as a hockey fan, right?  For bar food, the food is actually pretty decent.  When hockey isn’t going on, they show sports and whatnot, so it’s just another nice place to hang out downtown.  Nothing flashy, but cool to have here in town.  But don’t take it from me, check it out yourself!

Today’s reviewer: Some middle-management type bro in his late-20s from a downtown corporate office nearby going to the bar with some friends from work.  He’s totes pumped about a new hockey bar in KC!  And, don’t be offended if you think he is shouting at you, because he is, but it's not your fault.

BRO’S THOUGHTS ON THE EXTERIOR AMBIANCE – River Market, businesses nearby, etc.

Dude, I am TOTES STOKED to go to this new place tonight!  You have NO IDEA!  WORK. F-IN. BLEW. DONKEYS.  Just like your mom!  AAAAWWW YEEAAA!!!! I TOLD YOU I’D GET YA!  But, for real, my bad boss.

The River Market.  So busy, so eclectic. Minsky’s.  That Mexican place.  That Chinese place.  That place with the boat from India or whatever.  Look at all of that Asian scribble on that building!  THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS MADE OF!!! Where else can you turn an abandon ice plant into lofts?  NO-WHERES, that’s where.  Breathe it in boyz, this is what it’s all about.  THIS IS WHY I GRADUATED EARLY, TO EXPERIENCE THIS!  THREE YEAS FOR AN ACCOUNTING DEGREE AND I’M NOT EVEN JEWISH!!!  AND I STILL HAD TIME TO WORK OUT!!!



Whoa, I thought you said this place was like a Hooters.  Awful small, kind of like your......Hahahahaha YEEEAAA, I AM THE JOKEMASTER FLASH!  AIN”T NO ONE JOCK ON MY RHYTHM!!!

This place is great.  All of the hockey shit on the walls is big pimpin’, my man!  YES!

/high fives bro

Look at all the Sharks stuff!  And the goalie masks!  THAT SHIT IS NO JOKE, NO F-IN JOKE, DAMMIT!!!  GOALIES ARE SICK MOFOS!  I would never be able to do that shit, man.  My dad only let me play golf in high school.  ALL-DISTRICT JUNIOR YEAR, I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!  EL DUDERINO!  TIGER WOODS IS A PUSSY!!!

/high fives bro

Hey, can I get a Guinness?  HOLY BALLS!  They have PINT CANS!!!  Never have I seen such AWESOMEITY SINCE CUTLER THREW THAT TD PASS THAT ONE TIME!!!

/high fives bro



/plays bubble hockey for 30 minutes, much high fiving is had

What’s that, you gotta take a piss?  Huh, yeah, that’s going to be difficult with such a tiny......   Yeah, I know, I know, but it’s still funny, man.  I’m gonna talk to these dudes over here while you own that piss, brah! 

Hey, wat up, guys?!  You ever been to this place?  Me neither, man, but I just work RIGHT DOWN THE FREAKIN’ STREET!!  HO HO HO Let me tell you, man, the workin’ world is a heartless beast!  Just like my ex!!!  HIGH FIVE MY F*CKIN SWEATY HAND!!!

/guys high five him

Man, you boyz like HOCKEY?!?  HELL YA!  Dude, I remember the Blades when I was a kid down there at Kimber (sic) Arena.  I went to a game once, and, bros, ooohhh bros, the FIGHTS!!!  The CARNAGE!!!  Bros, let me tell you. I was hooked.  HOOKED LIKE A HOOKER!  I HAD SEX WITH HOCKEY.  FOR MONEY.  LITERALLY!

/everyone chuckles awkwardly


Whoa, dudes, this is my bro-worker.  Did you drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl??? hahahahaha wait, what?  YOU JUST DUMPED A PUCK IN THE EMPTY NET?!?!?! BWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!??!  But, dude, for real, I gotta know, is el baño clean?  It is?  HELL YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I AM F-IN TALKIN’ ABOUT!!!  THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SHOTS!!!!

/high fives bro

/does shots

Dude, man, bro, I have to tell ya, these bros I was just talkin’ to at this table over here: COOL ASS DUDES!  THEY ARE F-IN REAL FANS!  They LOVE hockey.  Bring it in boyz, toast this DRUNK MOFO!


Bro, I don’t know what to watch, the Royals or hockey.  I look over here, BOOM, Royals.  Over there, BOOM, hockey.  One eye on each game, know wat I mean?!?

Bro, who is playing right now?  That’s the Devils, right?  THE DEVILS THE DEVILS!!!  Man, that shiz is crazy!  Who they playin’, the Moose or some shit?

Oh, the Panthers.  They play in Jacksonville, right?

Ah, yeah, SOUTH BEACH BABY!  I met this chick from Mi-ami when I was in Padre last summer.  DAT AZZ! 

/high fives bro

/drinks, wistfully

Hey, what do you think about Lebron?!  He’s no HIS AIRNESS.  More like HIS DOUCHENESS, AMIRITE?!?!!?!!!


OH HELL YES, FOOD TIME BRO!!!  I’m so hungry I could eat some peanut butter off a Brazilian midget's butt.  THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!!

/high fives bro


Dude...DUDE!!!!  I have to tell you something, and remember–NO HOMO–but for reals, I love you man.  Well, not you, but this TENDERLOIN!  This thing changed my life man, it’s changed the way I look at chicken.  It’s, like, religious or some shit.  Dip that mug in a bowl of gravy, YOU WILL CRY TEARS OF MANLY GOODNESS!!!

OVERALL – What did our bro think of the place?

Dude, DUDE, this place, IS AWESOME!  YOU KNOW I’ll be back.  After work, next Thursday?  Oh, yeah, we will own this place.  PARTY.  MOFO-IN.  ROCKIN’.  F-IN TOTES, MAN.

/high fives bro

Final assessment: 4 out of 5 Douchebag Mike Milburys

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