Friday, March 30, 2012

The NHL Templars Have a Problem, And Only One Man Can Help

Preface:  If you haven't read this post yet, then you are going to have no idea what the hell is going on.  Click the hotlink, read that, then your opinion of how stupid this is will really matter.

NHL Headquarters, Somewhere in Toronto, Last Week

*Knock* *knock*
NHL Grand Master Gary Bettman: Yes, thou art welcome in mine quarters.

(Steward Bill de Daly enters solar chambers)
Bill de Daly: Greetings, Master Bettman.  How does this day find you?

Bettman:  Not so well, kind steward.  For thou see, there art cracks in our once impenetrable sallyport.

Daly: Sir, I just came through the sallyport.  Twas nothing....

 Bettman: Silence, thou fool!  I do not mean the literal sallyport, I speak of our plans.  For thee see, the knights of Phoenix will soon be forced from their lodgings by our men, and sent elsewhere.

Daly: Where, my Lord?  I have already quoth they will not move, and I shall not requite thee wishes.  I had four messengers clubbed for fabricating lies.  Those men cannot surely speak truth?

Bettman:  No, but you see, the men of Phoenix WILL move, and do so as quick that sparks will fly from stones after them.  The Quebecers want the refugees in exchange for millions of pounds, their excess of burnished gold, and thousands of hides throughout the whole of the Quebecian kingdom.

Daly:  I misunderstand thee...

Bettman: They art constructing a new Knight’s Hall for the men of Phoenix. We plan to send those men to Quebec, for we can no longer expect decent tax collection from their current estate.  We shalt collect the offering of the Quebecers in exchange.

Daly: I beseech thee, my Lord, this is not right.  The commoners will find out. They will call ye unstable! They will riot!  They will worry for their safety, and see ye head on a pike!

Bettman:  SCOFF!!!  So help me He that sitteth on high, ‘twas not my errand to worry on commoners and their petty bickering!  I placed men in the Spanish stronghold of Miami.  At first all spoke of me as a fool, but now they call me a genius.  I sent men from Ford de Hart and Winnipeg to the southern fiefdoms, and now they hail me as a king!  The commoners do not burden me.  Tis those villages without knights art mine burden.  They continue to build grand halls in hopes of getting their own cavalry, but we do not have the manpower to expand our forces.  Thus, the lords of these villages can cause unrest amongst other lords with men at their disposal.  We need a diversion, something to keep everyone satisfied, while making a move to Quebec.

Daly:  We could trick these marshals, these so-called “owners.”  Then we could steal the knights away to Quebec.

Bettman:  Thou art the wisest in the world, indeed!

Daly:  What art thou most troublesome fiefs, my Lord?

Bettman:  Well, those that cause trouble the most seek to build, or have built, new battlements.

Daly:  Thou art refer to Seattle?

Bettman: Ah, yes, Seattle.  Now that’s a fine burgage.  The moneylender Christopher d’Hansen has a new hall he wishes to place men in, though these men be of great stature.  We need not do much to appease him.  Alert their local propaganda machine, for widespread news of a possible protective force will make him glad.

(Daly sends a letter to KING 5 in Seatte.  Quoth KING 5: “We want the NBA”.)  

Daly:  Who art else?  What of Jim Balsillie d’Ontario?

Bettman:  Ah, yes, a tragic tale, his.  I banished him to the oubliette weeks ago. Too troublesome, was he.  If you remember, a similar plan years ago, to appease the burg of Hamilton? Thee broke our covenant, thee was recreant in doing so.  Thee went too far.  If we are not careful, the same thing will happen in Saskatoon.  Laugh will I at the thought of my knights in Saskatoon...

But, one fief is troublemsome to the stability of my rule.  City de Kansas.

Daly: City de Kansas?  Art thou foolish?  Explain ye reasons.
Bettman:  Lord Leiweke owns a hall in that realm.  Many fortnights before, we embarked on a night of merrymaking; there is something that Lady Bettman must not know about, something that only Lord Leiweke swears not to tell.  That is why I gifted him the cavalry in City de Angels.  He is a great foe, and I must continue to please him.  I need not say more... summon him AT ONCE!

(Sir de Daly summons Lord Tim Leiweke)

(Time passes)

(Lord Tim Leiweke enters the Great Hall of NHL Headquarters on horseback)

Lord Leiweke:  WWWAAAATTTTTT UUUUPPPPP, bros, joes, and coooo-missioners?!?!?!?!

Bettman:  I summon ye to discuss a matter of deep importance, and I ask of thou and I to enter into a convenant.

Lord Leiweke:  Sure, brah, I can do you a solid.  But, remembs, you have to come out here and shred hardcore with me, dude!  We had a deal when I bought the Kings.

Bettman:  (Sighs) All that ever I promised, that shall I keep with good will.  My truth on it.  Now, Sir Leiweke...

Leiweke:  “Hollywood.”

Bettman:  Nay, I beg thee pardon?

Leiweke:  It’s “Hollywood”, bro.  I’m totes lax with names and shiz.  All of my peeps are down with it.
Bettman:  Okay, Sir... um, Hollywood.  Do you recall the hall ye constructed in City de Kansas?

Hollywood:  Yeeeaaaa, bro.  Imma just waitin’ for it to be stocked with some cool bros...and brews!  Ha ha you know I be pullin’ yer dangle, my man. But, for reals, when you gonna hook me up with an army?  That’d be off the Richter!

Bettman:  That is why I summoned thee.  The knights of Phoenix may go without homes soon, and I think ye hall in City de Kansas will provide suitable residence for them.  Art thou willing to accept this undertaking, provided it is offered?

Hollywood:  Sure, dude.  I mean, Ol’ Sly Fox ain’t too keen on bringin’ in a bunch of posers, but it’s whateves.  Anything for you, King Betts.

Bettman:  Please refer to me as Grand Master Bettman.

Hollywood:  Word, yo.

Bettman:  Okay, sir.  Now to our covenant.

Hollywood:  Lay it on me.

Bettman:  Relay the message I have told ye.  Tell everyone in the City de Kansas the words of our meeting. 

Hollywood:  That’s it?  Hell, dude, you know me, I’ll let the bros know.  It’s all radical, KB.  You can count on me.

Bettman:  Now, thank you for this above all else, sir knight.  Thou art dismissed.

Hollywood:  Hold on, let me try something before I bounce.

(Recites opening paragraphs of “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight”)

WHOOAAAA!!!!  Totally righteous, huh?!?!  Just a little somethin’ I picked up from the dudes down at the chapel.  Y’all certainly have a twisted way of talkin’.  Peace OOOUUUTTTTT!!!!!!! 

(Tim “Hollywood” Leiweke leaves)

Daly:  Do ye think thy great words hath fooled him?

Bettman: Of course!  He is but lord in name only, and does not understand our way.  Besides, much of his riches have been made from acrobats and jesters filling his many halls, and not from any fighting force.  He is a wretched man, a mere scullion, but one I must appease. 

(NHL messenger Sir Darren-Dreger d’TSN bursts into the chambers)

Bettman:  Oh look, my loyal messenger.  Light thee down, and profess thy news.

Sir d’TSN: My Lord, I and my fellow messengers hath spread word throughout the kingdom of ye wish to replace the Phoenix knights to the fiefs of Quebec, Seattle, and City de Kansas.  Alas, the new hall in Quebec has caused much distress among the people of the latter two burgs.  Word has spreadt throughout thy kingdom that you favor Quebec, and...

Bettman: Sir Daly!  Go, now, and spread the word to the people that we knowst nothing about this new hall, nor do we care.

Daly:  Yes, my Lord.

(Daly leaves)

Sir d’TSN: Is there anything else thou needs?

Bettman: Yes, have the men ready the trebuchet.  I have a meeting with the NHLPA presently.

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